18 Minutes: Book Review

 

 

 18 Minutes: Find Your Focus, Master Distraction, and Get the Right Things Done

 

Book Review

“One way to keep the momentum going is to have constantly greater goals.”
– Michael Korda

As I began reading the book ‘18 Minutes’,  I pondered over my life; where did those years go?  Instead of focusing on my strengths and devoting time to the responsibilities that really mattered, I struggled with physical, mental, or emotional strain. The book, “18 Minutes: Find Your Focus, Master Distraction, and Get the Right Things Done” written by Peter Bregman helped readers to find solution to their struggle and frustration. Peter Bregman has worked with CEOs and senior leaders for over 30 years to develop their leadership skills and personal growth and collaborative team work to bring organizational change.

18 Minutes is an essential guide, providing comprehensive approach to how to manage a day, a moment and a year. Its goal is to teach us how to keep focus on to achieve meaningful work. If we look back and analyze our whole day, week or year, we simply say, Time Flies So Fast! How we can slow it down.

I quote the inspiring words of the author,

“Time is the only element in the world that is irretrievable when it’s lost. Lose money and you can make more. Lose a friend and you can patch up the relationship. Lose a job and you can find another. But lose time and it’s gone forever.”

The author’ words, “Somehow I was missing that feeling of I’m doing the right things with the right people in the right way to make the most of who I am”     stirred me to think since we are highly obsessed with achieving success, we hardly reflect upon satisfying our inner joy and happiness. We are engaged with personal obligations and probably spend less quality time with family and friends.

 

“How can we work less and survive? Stepping away from your work might just be the key to increasing your productivity.”  the author expresses.

Stepping away from work can boost our mood, reduce anxiety and spark productivity. Some suggested tips in the chapter are to get involved in multiple identities, enjoy dinner with family or play tennis with a friend are meaningful activities that helps to make a modest life style. Bregman evaluates how he’s spending his time as according to him, “Most important, be consistent—doing the something repeatedly over time solidifies your identity”.

The book 18 Minutes is divided into four parts. 

Part 1: Pause   helps us to focus on the right things, follow a daily plan and avoid inevitable distractions that cause hindrance in achieving our goals. Reading part one was stimulating for me. I learned how to enjoy life and happiness and unlock my hidden potentials. The chapter focuses on building momentum and consistency of adopting positive habits that helps to accomplish goals. Peter Bregman in his book suggested two ways to pull back momentum. If we start to lose its force, gently begin to change direction. Slow Down and Start Over. 

 Part 1 discusses how to control emotional response “If you take a breath and delay your action, you give the prefrontal cortex time to control the emotional response. A brief pause will help you to deviate from impulsive behavior to rational. 

Here I would like to quote the case study given in the chapter.

When Luigi yelled at me in the hall, I took a deep breath and gave my prefrontal cortex a little time to win. I knew there was a misunderstanding and I also knew my relationship with Luigi was important. So instead of yelling back, I walked over to him. It only took a few seconds. But that gave us both enough time to become reasonable.

Similarly, I learned another tactic of settling down any important matter. Take a pause and ask yourself a single question: What is the outcome I want? Instead of reacting to any event taken place in the past, react to the future outcome. If your aim is “An improved relationship,” don’t yell back. Respond to the person in a normal voice; ask some questions which diminish his anger. This is the reaction that will help to boost up better relationship. Positive attitude will help to embrace weakness, focus on strengths and follow your passion and succeed. 

 

Part 2: What Is This Year About?  states how to organize and prioritize things in our life.

I quote author’s words, “We’ll look at the four elements—your strengths, weaknesses, differences, and passions—that form the foundation of your success and happiness.”

 

I learned the significance of staying flexible while planning. Opportunity, persistence and luck helps you to move towards the right direction. After analyzing the plan for the day, we need to carry over for tomorrow’s plan. We should prioritize our tasks for the next day.  What’s no longer important need to be scratched out.

We model ourselves and our businesses after other people or businesses! The book highlights the fact that we need to develop self- analysis, analyze our thoughts and behavior. As author says, “If you look like other people, and if your business looks like other businesses, then all you’ve done is increase your pool of competition.  Self- Reflection and personal development help us to stay focused on our priorities.

Peter Bregman says, “One way to recover your passion is to pursue your desire. As you choose your focus for the year, pay less attention to “shoulds” and more attention to “wants.” Explicating this strategy, he said we need to reschedule our tasks by developing our passion to accomplish it. We need to ask ourselves  the following questions, “What about our daily work, does our daily life matter to us  Why are we doing it?

Three essential conditions should be followed:

·        You want to achieve it.

·        You believe you can achieve it.

·        You enjoy trying to achieve it.

I quote the inspiring words of the author,

“This is why you’d better enjoy trying to achieve your goals. Because you’ll never spend ten thousand hours doing anything you don’t enjoy. And if you don’t enjoy the trying part, you’ll never do it long enough to reach your goal.”

 “To home in on your passion, think about what you love doing—what’s important enough to you that you’re willing to persist over the year, even when it feels like you’re not succeeding.” writes the author.

At the end of part 2, the author emphasizes that demotivated people can be encouraged to pursue their goals if the goal is challenging and they are provided with the opportunity to achieve. The fear of failing may detain us from moving forward, however, if we comprehend the meaning of failure in our life, we will have great opportunities of success. 

I personally feel failure is a process of learning. As I ponder over my success in life, I know it has not occurred over night.  My efforts were recognized and valued in different challenging environment, hence my learning boost up.

“If you believe your talent grows with persistence and effort, then you seek failure as an opportunity to improve. People with a growth mind-set feel smart when they’re learning, not when they’re flawless.” 

“Failure is inevitable, useful, and educational. Just don’t give up—stay focused over the year—and it will pay off.”

Part 3: What Is This Day About, emphasizes how we focus into an 18-minute daily plan, make sure that the right things get done at the right moment. We need to prioritize and focus on five big things for the year ahead. Consequently, we need to create a to-do list for this purpose. The chapter begins with motivating words that really touched my heart, “If you pay attention to what’s happening now, the future will take care of itself. Don’t regret the past; don’t worry about the future; just be here now and all that.”

The author elucidates the idea by giving the example of driving a car. Distracted driving causes violent collusion. When you are driving, you never pay attention to where you are; you always pay attention to what is happening on the road ahead. As author says, “Plan your day ahead so you can fly through it, successfully maneuvering and moving towards your intended destination.” We should know where to focus and what to ignore .So the author suggests creating another list of unimportant things that can be ignored. 

As Bregman says, “To get the right things done, choosing what to ignore is as important as choosing where to focus.” The author further suggests three-day rule. This rule ensures that no task stays on your list for more than three days.

Part 3 ends with   thought-provoking words, 

“Spend a few minutes at the end of each day thinking about what you learned and with whom you should connect. These minutes are the key to making tomorrow even better than today.”

The last part 4: What Is This Moment About?  elucidates how to master distraction, you will learn how to get motivated and how to follow through even when it’s tempting to give up. How to protect yourself and your time by creating the right kind of boundaries. This section is divided into three subsections: Mastering Your Initiative, Mastering Your Boundaries, and Mastering Yourself.

The chapter emphasizes to   “Create an environment that naturally compels you to do the things you want to do.” We need to focus on real problems and opportunities. “What’s important is that your moment of choice is when you are in the right state of mind—when you need the least willpower—to make the best decision.”

Part 4 provide guidelines to help you stay on track.

•  Resist the temptation to say yes too often

• When you say no, mean it, and you won’t needlessly lose your time

• A few moments of transition time can help make your next task shorter, faster and more productive for you and others

• When you take vacation—or any other time you want to be undisturbed—schedule a specific time to take care of the things that would otherwise creep into each and every available moment

• Distraction, used intentionally, can be an asset

• Don’t try to get it right in one big step. Just get it going.  Smaller steps give you the opportunity to succeed more often

• Stay alert and adapt to changing situations

Finally, I learned to embrace change in life. Change is inevitable. Change is constant. We must analyze ‘self’, the self- knowledge help us to maximize our efforts for change. Change in our approach leads to for personal growth and success.

As I quote author’s words, “Welcome to life. The conditions are constantly shifting—almost as fast and frequently as the weather—and if you keep doing the same things in the rain that you did when it was nice and sunny, you’ll crash. You need to change your approach.”

   

As we master ourself with flexibility, we should stay on track and continue to move forward.

    

 I would end by quoting the words of Simone de Beauvoir,

“One's life has value so long as one attributes value to the life of others, by means of love, friendship, indignation and compass.

 

 

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Book Review : Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma

Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma

By Peter A. Levine Ph.D., North Atlantic Books, Berkeley

My deep insight about the book

SADIA WALI

“If you are experiencing strange symptoms that no one seems to be able to explain, they could be arising from a traumatic reaction to a past event that you may not even remember. You are not alone. You are not crazy. There is a rational explanation for what is happening to you. You have not been irreversibly damaged, and it is possible to diminish or even eliminate your symptoms. Psychology traditionally approaches trauma through its effects on the mind. This is at best only half the story and a wholly inadequate one. Without the body and mind accessed together as a unit, we will not be able to deeply understand or heal trauma.”

As I began reading this fascinating book of personal development, I developed deep understanding of human state of mind. How the real causes of traumatic stress disorder affect our thinking, behavior and emotions. The author, Peter Levine is well known for his work with trauma and the common physiology with animals. There are various ways of healing the traumas.  The psychiatric and psychological methods, mythology and spirituality help to master the traumas of our life.  Peter Levine focuses on the process of what happens when we experience trauma in an extremely engaging way.

Section One of this book introduces trauma and explains how post-traumatic symptoms begin, develop, and why they are so compelling and persistent. Section Two describes symptoms of trauma and the core elements of a traumatic reaction. Section Three defines the process by which we can transform our traumas, personal and social. Section Four provides practical information to help prevent trauma from developing after an accident.

 By providing the examples of animals, the author makes us understand the human physiological mechanism. It is essential to study wild animal behavior as to understand the concept of healing human trauma.  Take the example of cheetah or animals like the agile which uses its survival instincts for self-protection, human mind on the contrary becomes confuse and perplex when encountering complex personal or social traumas .As we mostly fail to handle traumas and hence, the traumatic symptoms severely  affect our mind.

The author claims that people are often traumatized by seemingly ordinary experiences. As Peter A. Levine believes, “We must discover why we are suffering. We must cultivate the courage to look deeply, with clarity and courage, into our own suffering.”  Consequently, our suffering is a result of the effects of the past events on our present. Traumas persist in the body in form of energy cause a wide variety of symptoms e.g. anxiety, depression and psychosomatic and
 behavioral problems. It traps the nervous system and severely damages our 
bodies and spirits. As he articulates, “The paradox of trauma is that it has both the power to destroy and the power to transform and resurrect”.

As the author elucidates, “When a person is exposed to overwhelming stress, threat or injury, they develop a procedural memory. Trauma occurs when these implicit procedures are not neutralized. The failure to restore homeostasis is at the basis for the maladaptive and debilitating symptoms of trauma.”

 The book describes the healing process and prevention is the best possible solution to treat the traumas. It requires an individual’s will and consciousness. According to the author, we cannot control or change things that have had happened in the past.  Peter A. Levine says, “I believe not only that trauma is curable, but that the healing process can be a catalyst for profound awakening—a portal opening to emotional and genuine spiritual transformation. I have little doubt that as individuals, families, communities, and even nations, we have the capacity to learn how to heal and prevent much of the damage done by trauma.”

Alice Miller says, “Genuine feelings cannot be produced, nor can they be eradicated. We can only repress them, delude ourselves, and deceive our bodies. The body sticks to the facts.”

When we have identified the cause of our suffering, we must find an appropriate path, we need to move on and recognize the threatening potentials of the traumas. We should seek professional help that will provide assistance to fight with traumas of life.

“Trauma is another way to install a new behavior. We learn things instantly all the time.” — Karen Hand, Magic Words and Language Patterns: The Hypnotist's Essential Guide to Crafting Irresistible Suggestions (Handbook for Scriptless Hypnosis)

The book elucidates how the most common psychological traumas affect infants, young children and adults. Parents should observe unusual behaviors of their children if they undergo a frightening incident. Signs of traumatic stress include regression to earlier behaviors, hyperactivity, stomach aches, headaches, excessive shyness, and recurring nightmares. This indicates that a child is traumatized.

The book employs a series of exercises that help us focus on bodily sensations. The purpose of these exercises is to facilitate the resolution of the trauma. The creative healing process can be blocked in a number of ways—by using drugs to suppress symptoms, by overemphasizing adjustment or exercising self-control.

The book helps us to transform ourselves by developing our innate capacity to identify the causes of trauma, heal and respond respectively. The personal development guide is helpful for those who have been traumatized; the readers instead of re-experiencing the pain will search for renewal and healing.

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Stalking God- Book Review

Stalking God:

My Unorthodox Search for Something to Believe- Anjali Kumar

Book Review

By SADIA WALI

“To gain a spiritual thirst, we must desire it.” (Sermons on spiritual thirst- v.37)

In "Stalking God: My Unorthodox Search for Something to Believe, the author Anjali Kumar aims to find spiritual quest in a modern world. She takes us along on her quest for spiritual meaning and connection with God. Being a corporate lawyer and senior counsel at Google, she responded to people with absolute faith, conviction and wisdom. It was the birth of her daughter, Zia that enhanced her sense of spiritual curiosity; she developed inner desire to gain more spiritual passion and zeal for God. Nothing could quench her spiritual thirst until she decided to explore the mainstream and unorthodox religious practices widely practiced in the world today.  Anjali Kumar set out on a spiritual pilgrimage, looking for answers of the following questions:

·        Why are we here?

·        What is the meaning of life?

·        What happens when we die?

·        Is there a God?

The entire book is enjoyable as it provides interesting travelogue and weird experiences of Anjali Kumar. Her quest of self- discovery and spiritual clarity began with learning of both western and Eastern religion Gopi, a coworker at Google proposed that she meet a spiritual healer from India, Hugging Amma.  Amma was engaged with social communities to promote love, peace and social cohesions in the world. She built a state-of-the-art university and a medical school in the Indian state of Kerala. Her experience to meet this amazing lady was ineffable. She changed her clothes three times as finally she decided to wear yoga pants and a loose- fitting shirt. It was an overwhelming experience for Anjali to meet Amma.

As she related, “Amma entered to palpable excitement. I was standing close enough that I unintentionally ended up in a makeshift receiving line, which made it possible to reach out and touch her hand. She was wearing a white cotton sari. When I approached Amma, one of Amma’s children pushed me down on my knees, and Amma pulled me in to a long bear hug. When she released me from the embrace, Amma held me at arm’s length, then looked and smiled at me with honesty and purity. Before sending me on my way, she gave me a packet of sandalwood powder and a kiss.”

Hugging Amma seemed Holy Communion to her.Having an enlightening experience of Amma, Anjali proceeded towards Brazil for spiritual salvation. . Here she met John of God. John of God (JOG) was a faith healer who performed miracles. She learned that JOG enters a trancelike state where he gets spiritual power to heal the sick. JOG has no formal education of medicine. But he proficiently performs medical procedures such as invisible and visible surgeries. As Anjali stood by his side for surgery, she felt a strange physical reaction. “I decided that when my turn came, I should ask JOG to help me find laughter and passion and to learn how to heal and protect my heart.” 

JOG simply waved her and did not reply. However, in meditation room she focused on an advice by Norberto. “Smile more, pray more… happy more. Drink more water. Eat breakfast. Real breakfast at a table, with your family.” She began to feel something miraculous happening. It was energy transformation; infinite enlightenment and   joviality.

She discussed her recent spiritual visits with her mother whom denied that gurus and healers are of no value. She believed that they just take money and are of no help. Anjali’s parents followed Jain religion which says there are an infinite number of Gods. As her mother said, “I don’t believe in God” . Anjali believed it an atheist comment. Instead of growing perplexed, she aimed for personal spiritual growth as to guide her daughter towards the right path.

Her next venture was to visit a guru named Shri Param Eswaran (aka Paramji). Paramji is a spiritual yoni healer. He practices something called Para-Tan sounding or Tantric Sound Healing, which create positive emotions, increase, self-esteem and spiritual enlightenment. The spiritual practice of guru also includes channeling vibrations into a specific body by using mantras and chanting. Chanting helps to cure heart disease, insomnia and improves brain function. Describing her feelings, she said, I felt third-eye pressure between my brows—the chakra attributed to spiritual insight, wisdom, and intuition—like a fly on my forehead. I didn’t know if I believed this was real or put-on. But the chanting itself, in unison, was harmonic, elevating, and compelling.

The spiritual message of   Paramji was “To mind my own business”. “To focus on me.”

Another spiritual practice named Soul Cycle delivers the collective energy of the crowd—just without the church. It is forty-five-minute dopamine-pumping session that renewed energy, increased confidence and spiritual health of a person. An interesting expedition of Anjali was witchcraft connection. Through face book, Amazon and other social media, she learned that witches using mystical forces do spells of black magic for evil and white magic for good. They have no sacred text like the Bible, Quran, or Torah. The author found WICCA, practising modern witchcraft in Great Britain. Their magical spells increase personal empowerment, love, health and healing.  This spiritual quest helped her to identify her misconceptions about witchcraft, black magic, cosmic energy and superstition. She developed close association with two witches. As she felt “I am half witch.”

Bikram yoga, introduced in California by Bikram Choudhury in the 1970s was used to transcend spiritual enlightenment. The yoga was followed by high heat and sweat lodges that build up mind-body-spirit connection. Anjali inspired by sweat lodges decided to experience spiritual and healing nature of sweat lodge by covering herself in Mayan clay. Clay ritual involved meditative practice that physically and mentally heal the body, increase self- direction and goal setting.

As relating her experience she said, “Doing so changes your behavior on both a conscious and a subconscious level, and that changes your outcomes in a manner that brings you closer to what you actually want to achieve.”

The experience with Fay, a faith healer was astounding for the author. As Anjali recalled Fay speaks to dead people. Initially, Fay and Anjali had telephonic conversation; Fay asked her general questions regarding her family. A few months later they met in New York. Anjali learned that about two types of memories, first one relates to the painful memories of the dead person. Second one is “grocery store moments that refers to speaking with dead people. Anjali was still bewildered whether Fay really talks to the dead or just trying to manipulate her like priests, ministers, rabbis, and other religious leaders. In her opinion, “Because the simple truth is, I don’t know if a medium can access the dead, but those religious leaders have no hard proof of their connections to God either.”  

Further explicating she said, “I will never know for sure if Fay or anyone else can actually talk to the dead, but I do know that believing they can has a powerful effect. It is called the placebo shaman effect and serves as a source of superhuman strength for all of us.”

She related another exciting spiritual journey to Cusco, Peru and Machu. In Peru, she met ayahuasca, the ancient visionary “plant teacher” in Cusco. Anjali believes this ancient plant as liquid spiritual lightning that physically and mentally transform the body. “ayahuasca allows you to communicate with “the universe,” said Anjali. In Machu Picchu, she took a solitary walk to experience the spirituality and beauty of the place. During silent meditation on the rock, she pondered over different philosophies of spiritual leaders and scientists regarding believe in God.

“Dutch philosopher Benedict de Spinoza’s vision of God says God is river and sea, mountain and sky, and that his handiwork is seen nowhere better than in the complex and grandiose laws of nature.”

Thomas Edison says, “When you see everything that happens in the world of science and in the working of the universe, you cannot deny that there is a ‘Captain on the bridge.”

Werner Heisenberg, who received the 1932 Nobel Prize in Physics for the creation of quantum mechanics said, “The first gulp from the glass of natural sciences will turn you into an atheist, but at the bottom of the glass God is waiting for you.”

As she continued to meditate, she was spellbound by beauty of nature and she believed that laws of nature are proof of the existence of God. She felt,“ It felt like a spiritual intervention. I opened my eyes and looked around. Nobody was there. My skin had been set on fire.”

Through Google, she learned about Patrick San Francesco, the energy healer in India. To some people he was a miracle healer while others find him manipulating people through his marketing tactic.  Anjali made great efforts to contact this faith healer however, in the end she gave up.

During the quest, she realized that “virtually everyone asked for essentially the same three things, Health, Happiness and Love. However, Anjali yearned to search inside herself, learn about existence of God and purpose of living. All the four healers the Japanese reibaishi, Patrick the Healer, Fay and Chade-Meng Tan, an engineer at Google with the job title Jolly Good Fellow unable to satisfy her as she felt,  “Maybe I am fine and don’t need healing.”

Burning Man is an annual festival/phenomenon that includes healing sessions and lectures that Anjali found inspirational that helped her to find answers for her questions. Burning Man has rituals, symbols and ten guiding principle like Ten Commandments or the Five Pillars of Islam. As compared to five pillars of Islam, these ten guiding principles teach more about community building, emphasize on “reinventing cultural assumptions, creativity and self- actualization. The atmosphere appeared to be mesmerizing for the author. She also had astrology session with the yogi.

She studied divine feminine as she conducted distance healing by joining a laughing yoga group via the Internet. The purpose behind using online laughing is to improve health and happiness. Laughter therapy reduces stress, lessen pain, improve cardiac health and also helpful for treating cancer patients. It was a splendid experience for Anjali to make people laugh. The session began with audio Skype, no causal or formal talk take place between anchor and audience, the session was reserved for laughing only.

As Anjali recalled, I’m laughing online with people in India.” Then we began, and the audio kicked in with a nonstop, overlapping stream of laughter paired with more emojis and random typed comments like “We are so happy because we laugh.” 

Although it was a fake laughter, yet she and her daughter Zia attracted people to laugh wholeheartedly. Her laughing session reached to various parts of the world, laughing energy was sent for peace in the world, people do laughing yoga while engaged in their work, cooking, travelling or driving. Anjali main purpose was to develop spiritual salvation in people which was done through Maharishi Effect and placebo effect.

Her spiritual urgency and curiosity of learning about God satiated as she learned that human beings belonging to any cast or religion believe in their God to grant a inner peace, health, happiness and Love.

She inspired readers to find a peaceful spiritual home that lead to transformation of mind, ideas, feelings and behavior.She questions, “What could we achieve for each other? For humanity?” Let’s find out — together. 

 Let’s read this verse to explore our faith and gain spiritual enlightenment.

“And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year:

“Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.”

And he replied:

“Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the Hand of God.

That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.”

—from “God Knows” by Minnie Louise Haskins

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Book Review -My Feudal lord- BY Sadia Wali

Book Review

My Feudal lord

      

BY Sadia Wali

I found an inner strength to fight for myself. It was clear that nobody else would.” ― Tehmina Durrani, My Feudal Lord

A shiver runs down my spine as I begin to read this heart-wrenching story of Tehmina Durrani- the daughter of former Governor of State Bank of Pakistan and Managing Director of Pakistan International Airlines, S.U. Durrani  and wife of Ghulam Mustafa Khar. Tehmina stout-heartedly described her abusive and traumatic marriage to Mustafa Khar. With inner strength and valor, she endured the hypocritical and tortuous behaviour  of her chauvinist husband.

Ghulam Mustafa Khar renowned politician destroyed lives of Tehmina and five other innocent women .It was Tehmina who presented to the world the vulnerable position of women in Pakistani society and how they suffer in silence. The autobiography as Tehmina says has broken the taboos for women facing uncomplaining hardships .As I believe we educated women needs to be socially and ethically aware of our rights. We are living in a male- dominated society where it is not easy to speak up against men’s atrocious behaviour nor women have any support to raise their voice against injustice done to them.

Divorce or taking Khula is considered a taboo in our masculine society and culture. Women are not encouraged to take up such bold initiatives, they remain subdued and complaint due to social pressures. Women who attempt to fight up for their rights have to face challenging situations such as feeling insecure, losing self-confidence, self- identity and self- esteem. As how Tehmina made seven to eight attempts to get rid of this wild man, Ghulam Mustafa Khar, being a mother of five children weakened her every time.She continued to suffer painful emotional turmoil.

As she said, “I knew that I could not leave him. I had entered into a controversial marriage and I had to strive to keep it intact.” He promised to be good husband. I grasp desperately at these signs of his approval. My goal was to keep him in his mood.”

Women who have read the autobiography opined that it was the wrong decision of Tehmina to leave her first husband Anees and marry Mustafa who attracted her with his glamorous political affluences. But my opinion is slightly different; I personally believe that women have social, legal and religious rights to choose the partner she likes whether it is her first marriage or second marriage. If she is unhappy and unsatisfied, she has every right to opt for better decision in life. If men can opt for four marriages why not women? Second thing women want a loving compatible life partner, they do not want to live a life with a barbarian. The brutish attitude of men is never condemned by society and families. Women take the risk of trusting a man who betrays her soul by his foul play, unethical behavior, language and manipulative acts of love-making, thinking women as ‘sexual object’.  Tehmina ‘s tormenting  story portrays  the story of an ordinary woman  who yearns  to live a perfect respectable marriage life.

Mustafa was portrayed as a mentally sick person, he physically and sexually assaulted Tehamina many times.She became pregnant due to his violent  physical behaviour. As she declared herself as ‘Sexual object.”

I would like to quote some horrifying physical assaults of Mustafa. Tehmina accompanied her mother   to a dinner, she was ordered by Mustafa to reach home by 10.30 pm. As she got late, she had to suffer terrible consequences. She was locked in a tortuous chamber, he tore her sari to shreds and beat her savagely.  When she became pregnant the first time, she faced the worst fury of Khar.As Tehmina related, “He hit me on my face, he clutched at me and pulled me from the bed. He threw me to the floor. My forehead crashed against the corner of the bedside table and I screamed in horror as blood gushed into my eye.”

After facing continuous physical assaults, Tehmina understood the dual personality of Mustafa. He manipulated her by being violent and then displaying civility by showing compassion and forgiveness.

The latter part of the book focused on Mustafa’s exile and Tehmina with her strength of character coped with all the political challenges, personal and social relationships. During exile, Mustafa developed good relations with Tehmina’s family. However, Tehmina suspected Mustafa and her youngest sister Adila developed illicit relations. This emotional agony developed hysteria. Tehmina also tried to commit suicide by taking tranquillizers. According to her, “The constant making and breaking had  taken its toll on me. The cracks could not be papered over with words.”

The best part of the book I like when Tehmina gained spiritual strength to transform herself from a subdued house wife to a strong woman. Instead of remaining a silent spectator she became reactive. Once Mustafa in anger snapped a jug from bathroom and tried to hit her head .   Instantaneously, she slammed the door and locked him inside.She strongly spoke, “If you can only understand once and for all that  Iam not here to take your nonsense, I’ll let you out.” 

Another incident I would liketo quote is Tehmina was working in kitchen when Mustafa insisted to go out. As he said I’ll break every bone in your body, the very next moment Tehmina grabbed the pot from the stove and threw at him. She ferociously screamed, “I know there is a sick insane animal outside. Do you really expect me to come out and hand myself over.”

Despite gaining spiritual strength, the decision of taking divorce from Mustafa was a hard decision. Once she made effort to leave Mustafa and lived in a hotel arranged by her brother Asim. But Mustafa tricked her by asking permission to meet children and kidnapped them. Children were sent to Pakistan, they lived with Mustafa’s family in the village of Kot Addu. By kidnapping children, Mustafa tried to blackmail Tehmina to come back to him. Facing continuous threats from Mustafa and unsupportive attitude of her family, Tehmina was compelled to go back to Mustafa. Her goal was to win her children. She had no emotional attachment with Mustafa, yet she played a pivotal role in political campaigns for Mustafa. She also made efforts to release him from exile. She was declared as ‘Lioness’ by party members, the woman who fought a rentless and successful battle to free her husband.

The last part of the book explicates the real struggle of Tehmina after breaking up from Mustafa. In her words, “I pleaded that I did not have strength to cope with further betrayal, abuse and begged for mercy. “There was no end to her tears; finally she decided to take’ Khula’.  Once she told Mustafa, “You stripped me of everything. But from today, you can never say that Tehmina is your wife. You lost me in the bargain.”

After Khula Tehmina felt as “A great burden lifted from my shoulders. I was no longer Tehmina Khar.”

She was freed from Mustafa’s tyranny. However, social pressures and emotional insecurity kept her low- spirited and despondent. The identity of Mrs. Mustafa Khar no longer exists, her friends and social groups to whom she was associated declined to help her. “I have to start a new.” Was there a new Tehmina Durrani inside me, older and sadder but also wiser.” She pondered. Being single, divorce or widow, a Pakistani woman cannot easily survive in a male- dominated society. Tehmina like other helpless women suffered great ordeals in bringing up her children. During adversity, her sisters Zarmina and Minoo supported her.

 The book is great inspiration for every woman who is compelled to suffer in silence. The strength and determination of Tehmina is commendable. Through her bold piece of work, she aimed at raising awareness in women to speak up for their rights. Ending her book she writes, “Muslim women must learn to raise their voices against injustice.It is Jehad to represent the silent majority who are suffering in silence.”  

While reading the heard hearted incidents in the book, I felt inner strength and firmness. According to my personal view, men need women and women need men. They should not be abused, maligned and treated with contempt. Their self- respect and self- esteem is essential to build or break their personality. It is high time, we women need to stand and ask for our rightful place in society. We should not need act as silent spectators, we have our own identity, individuality and value which needs to be recognized.   We need to live boldly and build up our decision power. Trial and error is the road to success. Unless we take risks in life, we never know which path is better. Trust in Allah He has great plans for us.

I read beautiful lines in the book, ‘The confident Woman’ by Joyce Meyer and I quote, “You are a woman! God loves you, you are equal with men, and you have a destiny. It is high time someone realizes who you really are!. Value your inner self, your beauty, innocence and purity. God has given women a special place of honour in society.”

Hence, women need to be unconditionally loved and respected by society as a whole.

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